OT: Wedding guests

[PhilaPhans]

Way OT.

Trying to help my brother & his fiance plan their wedding (lots of time to go). They've got a good idea of what they're doing, I'm just going for outside advice right now to make them feel better about some of the questions they have.

A couple questions:

1.) What exactly is the etiquette for inviting family members? I know in reality it's to hell with the "rules", I'm inviting who I want, it's my big day. But are you allowed to invite some family and not others? Some cousins and not their siblings?

2.) How much time do people need to respond to wedding invitations? And how far out do you make them confirm? For example, if you invite 200 people and 40 can't come, how much time would you need to make a second round of invitations? And do you look stupid going to a second round of invitations of people you were on the fence about if you had to cut the list somewhere?

I'm sure I'll have more questions if this thread gets any replies.

 

[Caliknight]

1) If someone is married, you should invite their siblings.

2) Some people do a save the date type thing, but that can be forgone. I would do one round of invitations, 60 days out, maybe little more if people are out of the area and have to fly in.

I have only been married once, but we invited 230 people and all but 1 couple said yes. That probably isn't overly unique. Most people that get invited to weddings I would imagine go.

 

[Upstream]

Originally posted by Caliknight:

1) If someone is married, you should invite their siblings.

.

I don't think sibling means what you think it means

 

[NoLondonBroil]

I found it far easier to deal with inviting and having too many guests than the headache that is family relations being soured
because someone wasn't invited.

 

[jmg75]

My number one rule for wedding planning is never help anyone plan a wedding. Too dangerous.

 

[RU0517581]

Don't care for weddings and I've noticed more people feeling the same way. Last one I was invited to (2014) the couple had wedding and reception planned for New Years Eve at some hotel upstate where I was supposed to stay overnight. Took me 50 seconds to RSVP to that one. Have a wedding - not some Disney, Rogers/Hammerstein, Cecil B DeMille fantasy epic I'm supposed to make into a vacation lol. Best wedding I went to was casual - no big DJ who thought he was staging Woodstock 3

 

[rurichdog]

Originally posted by NoLondonBroil:

I found it far easier to deal with inviting and having too many guests than the headache that is family relations being soured
because someone wasn't invited.

Must be nice to have an unlimited guestlist, Mr Warbucks!

If the bride & groom are paying for the wedding themselves, they call the shots because it is their budget. Invite all the aunts & uncles, invite the close cousins, put the not-so-close cousins tops on the B-list and the jackhole cousins don't get invited because they are jackholes. Life sucks sometimes.
This post was edited on 3/19 9:45 PM by rurichdog

 

[PhilaPhans]

To clear things up, significant others are invited so the people who come can have fun at the reception.

My question was, can you invite your 25 year old cousin without inviting her other three college age siblings. Can you invite your one aunt's kids without inviting another aunt's kids if generally all have been invited to recent previous weddings in the family.

The problem obviously stems from cost. If they are trying to limit it to 80 people for groom and 80 for bride, then it's tough to figure out who gets cut. He's struggling with it because she doesn't have a big family, so it seems like she gets to invite more of her friends. (Her family is paying for most of it so he's not trying to argue much).

 

[Crazed_RU]

Originally posted by PhilaPhans:
To clear things up, significant others are invited so the people who come can have fun at the reception.

My question was, can you invite your 25 year old cousin without inviting her other three college age siblings. Can you invite your one aunt's kids without inviting another aunt's kids if generally all have been invited to recent previous weddings in the family.

The problem obviously stems from cost. If they are trying to limit it to 80 people for groom and 80 for bride, then it's tough to figure out who gets cut. He's struggling with it because she doesn't have a big family, so it seems like she gets to invite more of her friends. (Her family is paying for most of it so he's not trying to argue much).

The answer to college age siblings is "no" - you can't invite a 25 year old cousin but not her 21 year old brother. If you are on a budget you are better off not inviting any of them. I have heard of families that are close and have a lot of cousins, to not invite any of the younger cousins - teenagers and below, but they get added from oldest to youngest if there are "open spots" after the RSVPs - this only works if accepted as a practice in the family.

Of course in the end you can do whatever the hell you want but there are family repercussions to this stuff - it's just whether you care or not.

 

[Bagarocks]

Originally posted by PhilaPhans:
Way OT.

Trying to help my brother & his fiance plan their wedding (lots of time to go). They've got a good idea of what they're doing, I'm just going for outside advice right now to make them feel better about some of the questions they have.

A couple questions:

1.) What exactly is the etiquette for inviting family members? I know in reality it's to hell with the "rules", I'm inviting who I want, it's my big day. But are you allowed to invite some family and not others? Some cousins and not their siblings?

2.) How much time do people need to respond to wedding invitations? And how far out do you make them confirm? For example, if you invite 200 people and 40 can't come, how much time would you need to make a second round of invitations? And do you look stupid going to a second round of invitations of people you were on the fence about if you had to cut the list somewhere?

I'm sure I'll have more questions if this thread gets any replies.

The couple getting married can invite or not invite anyone they desire. The Wedding is not "the families wedding" it is the engaged couples wedding!

Why invite family members that were not a part of the couples life and or close friends of mom and dad?

If family members feelings are hurt by no invitation than they certainly could not have been involved much in the couples life could they?

This should be about them its their day no one elses! everyone they want to share in celebrating the best day of their should be there!

 

[KingHigh]

A wedding reception should be a breakeven or a profitable proposition in the first place. The celebration is a chance to shower the young couple with gifts and cash to get them started with a little nest egg. I never accept an invite unless I cover my cost and then some. invite all your family. If they cheap out on gifts, you'll have the opportunity to return the favor some day. As nolobro stated, better that than dealing w the headaches. Plus, inviting some but not all siblings will absolutely generate trash talking about you within that family, which will not engender the greatest generosity among the family members who were graced with an invitation.

Sometimes having grace costs a little more but In the long run, you'll find it is much more satisfying and rewarding to be that way.

 

[Caliknight]

Originally posted by Upstream:

Originally posted by Caliknight:

1) If someone is married, you should invite their siblings.

.

I don't think sibling means what you think it means

It does if you assume the wedding is in West Virginia.

 

[AntiG]

For me I pretty much invited any family members that I know and interact with. Its a little different for me since I'm a 2nd generation American and most of my extended family is abroad. But basically for family, it was the ones that I talk to that I invited. If it was one that I know is around but I never really interact with (like some 2nd cousins that I know exist but never talk to or whatever), then nope.

As far as invitations went, I sent them out 6 months before and then as people RSVP accept or decline (I had them RSVP online to save on postage), I adjusted my secondary list. My final cutoff was around 3 weeks before the wedding, which basically is when you need to submit your final guestcount anyway. My wedding was during Labor Day weekend so we probably had more declines than a lot of other weddings, we invited around 200 and ended up with 155 attending including ourselves.





This post was edited on 3/20 1:24 AM by AntiG

 

[Scarlet_Scourge]

WTF?

Do people really don't know what a sibling is? Why use a word you don't know the meaning of?

You should invite everyone but your and her siblings, also forget the your and her parents while you are at it.

 

[miketd1]

Look harder.

Eliminate a "friends" table for now and put them on a "B" list.

When some of the responses from your "A" list comes back, you will inevitably have folks decline for one reason or another. As that happens, get your "B" list invites out. (Tip: try to keep B list names to folks who generally won't know a lot of people at the wedding -- co-workers, old college buddies, etc. That way it is less likely that they will realize they got their invite several weeks after others did. It's almost impossible to do that with family.)

Don't stress too much. It's your day and the world tends to unfold as it should.

Congratulations and good luck.

 

[ruhudsonfan]

I would imagine this theory of multiple rounds of invites sounds good on paper but will be pretty difficult to accomplish.

One of my good friends is a wedding planner. According to her, invitations should go out 6-8 weeks before the event, unless it is a destination wedding and people need to make travel plans. RSVPs should come back 2-3 weeks out so final headcount can be given to the caterer and you can make table arrangements.

If you send out your "A" Round 7 weeks out and ask for them back 3 weeks out, how do you go about inviting a "B" round of guests? An EVite? haha

Put the big boy pants on and make your cuts from the get-go.

As for etiquette, it would be incredibly bad form to invite one 25 year old cousin but not her 22 year old brother.

Many families don't invite children...but we're talking like 16 and under. Not 22...lol

 

[miketd1]

Hudson: the bigger # of guests, the earlier the invites can go out and the earlier the RSVP date for that very reason. Plus when folks can't go, it's usually because of a conflict known well in advance. My experience was these types of regrets come back fairly quickly. The B list shouldn't be more than a table (10-12 guests).

Also my reading comprehension this early is terrible. Congrats to the OP's brother and fiancé lol

 

[yesrutgers01]

Originally posted by RU0517581:
Don't care for weddings and I've noticed more people feeling the same way. Last one I was invited to (2014) the couple had wedding and reception planned for New Years Eve at some hotel upstate where I was supposed to stay overnight. Took me 50 seconds to RSVP to that one. Have a wedding - not some Disney, Rogers/Hammerstein, Cecil B DeMille fantasy epic I'm supposed to make into a vacation lol. Best wedding I went to was casual - no big DJ who thought he was staging Woodstock 3

This is the exact reason for most destination weddings. It takes away the guilt from the couple getting married. You can invite everyone you want to invite plus all family members, get in good with the boss and co workers, etc...they will all feel very special that you thought of them for the special moment, but most will eliminate themselves. You end up left with only the friends and family who care about you enough to travel and spend 3-4 days with you. Not just a couple of hours at the local hall.

As for your brother's situation...myself, It sounds like he has plenty of time, best bet is to be straight up with everyone. Let everyone know(those very close that are on the A list and those more distant) that it will be a very small reception and you are limited to only 80 guests. He may find out in plenty of time with no hurt feelings that some people will fully understand the situation and help trim the heard. Maybe those college age cousins don't really want to go to a wedding in the first place.

I would suggest possibly having a secondary casual get together(maybe a BBQ) either shortly before/after the wedding where you can invite everyone so at least they all know that they are very much a part of it but that there just happened to be space limits at the official reception.

 

[RU4Real]

This wedding is clearly headed toward epic disaster.

OP's focus at this point should be to encourage the bride and groom to invite as many morally casual hot chicks as he can think of.

 

[RU4Real]

Also alcohol. Invite lots of that.



This post was edited on 3/20 8:28 AM by RU4Real

 

[NoLondonBroil]

Originally posted by miketd1:
Look harder.

Eliminate a "friends" table for now and put them on a "B" list.

When some of the responses from your "A" list comes back, you will inevitably have folks decline for one reason or another. As that happens, get your "B" list invites out. (Tip: try to keep B list names to folks who generally won't know a lot of people at the wedding -- co-workers, old college buddies, etc. That way it is less likely that they will realize they got their invite several weeks after others did. It's almost impossible to do that with family.)

Don't stress too much. It's your day and the world tends to unfold as it should.

Congratulations and good luck.

To follow up on my earlier post about inviting all the family - it is often easier to make amends with friends than it is with family members.

Buddies will understand. Cousins will take it personally.

 

[Doteman]

I'm in the middle of planning my wedding for July 31st this year, I went with the when in doubt invite them, and yes me and my future wife are paying for the wedding and we are both state employees so money is definitely an issue, if u get 10-20 more than you originally expected so what, you dish out 1-2k extra upfront and you get most/all back in a gift, big deal.

 

[RUChoppin]

You need to set up tiers.

Immediate family (parents, siblings, grandparents, nieces/nephews), wedding party, etc... are pretty much all mandatory, unless there's some notable dysfunction.

Next step family (aunts/uncles, cousins), closest friends, are probably the last groups to get cut.... then again, if you have 30 cousins, it might be a financial decision to say "no cousins". Again, without some dysfunction, I don't see any way to invite some cousins but not others.

After that you get outside-of-inner-circle-friends, further off relatives (the people your parents want you to invite), and family friends (more people your parents want you to invite). If the parents are paying for the wedding, those last two groups may be hard to avoid.

The whole "plus one" thing is sometimes tough. A few of my friends used the rule of "married, engaged, or dating for over a year" - obviously spouses/fiances have to be invited, but "boy/girlfriends" or even just across-the-board "plus one" invitations can really run up the cost and include a bunch of people the bride/groom don't know at a party thrown specifically by/for them. Making a blanket rule makes those conversations much easier "I'm sorry, but no one is getting a plus one unless they've been dating over a year", rather than "I don't want your boyfriend there, but her boyfriend is okay".

 

[e5fdny]

Originally posted by Caliknight:

1) If someone is married, you should invite their siblings.

2) Some people do a save the date type thing, but that can be forgone. I would do one round of invitations, 60 days out, maybe little more if people are out of the area and have to fly in.

I have only been married once, but we invited 230 people and all but 1 couple said yes. That probably isn't overly unique. Most people that get invited to weddings I would imagine go.

That changes as you get older and what number you are in the "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" game.

In this case Kevin Bacon is the couple getting married. The higher the number (further removed) the less of a chance we go.

 

[ruhudsonfan]

Originally posted by miketd1:
Hudson: the bigger # of guests, the earlier the invites can go out and the earlier the RSVP date for that very reason. Plus when folks can't go, it's usually because of a conflict known well in advance. My experience was these types of regrets come back fairly quickly. The B list shouldn't be more than a table (10-12 guests).

Also my reading comprehension this early is terrible. Congrats to the OP's brother and fiancé lol

Your experience? Thrown a huge wedding more than once? lol

I offered the advice of one of the more well known planners in NJ. Her response suggested to me that more than one round of invites is difficult to pull off tactfully. Which was sorta the point of the OP. If whomever he is advising wants to act like a rube, do whatever the hell he wants and let the chips fall where they may.

My wife comes from a large extended European family. EVERYONE is invited to EVERYTHING. In most years, we'll have 5+ weddings. We never respond early, regardless of attendance or regrets. I'd guess that most people don't. They tack the thing up on their corkboard or stick it to the fridge and then say, "oh shit, the RSVP is this Thursday...i need to respond." But again, that is just how things go in my house.

We invited over 380 people, 10 weeks out. We got 3 full tables of responses AFTER the RSVP date.

And if you're talking about 2 tables, you're talking about 16-20ish people. All in, that's like 2,500 in all but the most exclusive venues in the area. In for a penny, in for a pound at that point.

 

[RUfinal4]

with who to invite from the family it is tough.
- start with who invited you to their weddings
- talk to your parents / in laws since they may require you to invite some family members

Friends of parents - this sucks since this number can grow quickly
- your parents / inlaws may have been invited to friends of theirs kids weddings and need to return the favor (this can become a big group)
- Your parents / inlaws may be in certain social groups (church, sports, community, work, etc...) and have friends they feel are close and want to invite

Your friends and + 1's
- You should invite those who are true friends and not just acquaintances
- as for +1's it is up to you. If someone is bringing a date then there is a chance this person may never be around again but yet is in your wedding pics / video for the next 40 years
- I prefer to go with the rule if they are married, engaged, in a serious relationship, or you know the friend / date pretty well

If you are in your 20s you may have more friends coming but if in 30s or 40s you may find your parents friends will outnumber your friends.


As for invitations being sent out:
- I would suggest 2 months before the wedding with a due date of 3-4 weeks before the event
- this will allow you to chase down late responders and see how many people are booked into your wedding hotel


Also, don't expect guests to cover their plate. You may be paying $125-225 per person but may only get gifts of $100 per person back. Some people are unaware of wedding costs. Others just don't have the money. You may have a good friend or close family member that is between jobs or going through a divorce and just can't afford to cover his / her plate.
This post was edited on 3/20 10:43 AM by RUfinal4

 

[PhilaPhans]

I appreciate the feedback from everybody.

He's got everything on a google spreadsheet right now and has since after the engagement. So I know who Table 1-8 is (each for his side and for her side). I know who Plan B Table 9 and 10 would be. I know who the wedding party is, etc. I know the projected expenses, etc. Hell, my brother is getting crap from people because if he really had his way, neither of my parents would be invited. But the fiance is having none of that. The directive is just to put them in opposite corners and go with it. His objectives are: I want to invite people who mean something to our relationship and/or would make the reception more fun. Oh, and only two kids under 21 are coming, the ring girl and flower girl.

The problem with recouping money (my original idea was add the extra table) is that generally Table 9 would be the 20-30 year old second tier cousins, and being young, you doubt that ability is there for them to shower the couple with extra $$$ to cover everything (I'd assume the average gift somebody that age gives is about $50 per person, but what do I know, I'm not married). It's still the best idea on the table so far, though, since the destination wedding isn't going to happen.

The good thing about this is it's a long engagement since she's still in school and we have a ton of time to sort all of this out.

 

[RBS05]

Originally posted by PhilaPhans:

But the fiance is having none of that.

Ahem.

I'm never the one to say this but...

www.nomarriage.com

 

[miketd1]

Hudson: you can get creative with a B list. It usually comes down to friends and co-workers and their "+1s". Next would be family b/fs and g/fs.

Those types of things can be fairly last-minute and informal without coming off as potentially offensive. You just have to frame it like one of your family members can no longer make it -- do you think your husband/wife/gf/bf would like to come? I'm asking you first, so I'll need an answer ASAP.

Something like that.

And no, I haven't thrown a wedding more than once, but most of my friends and most of our siblings got married within the last 5 years or are currently engaged. Most were 250+ weddings and planning/etiquite is a frequent topic.

 

[NoLondonBroil]

Originally posted by PhilaPhans:

The good thing about this is it's a long engagement since she's still in school and we have a ton of time to sort all of this out.

Damn it man, you know the rules here.

Pics.

 

[Scarlet_Scourge]

Originally posted by RU4Real:
Also alcohol. Invite lots of that.



This post was edited on 3/20 8:28 AM by RU4Real

They just get get the Kool-Aid man to crash the party, but replacing the Kool-Aid with Scotch.

 

[derleider]

Honestly, look at it this way.

You are having a big party. Like any big event, there is some politics in who you invite. But its your day (well your brothers in this case). Invite the people you want to hang out with, and sort out the rest afterwards. If the people aren't important enough to you to really want to invite, then them shutting you out of their life going forward is probably not a huge deal anyway.

Hell, I actually booted my cousin from my best man ship three weeks before my wedding (he was too broke to get a hotel room, so he would have been coming up with his parents the day of - no thanks dude.) If we can get over that, then you and your cousins, who you presumably arent that close with can get over the non-invite.

Phila - $50 might be high. I once had a mid-20s coworker ask if $20 was alright - for a COUPLE.
This post was edited on 3/20 12:46 PM by derleider

 

[rutgersdave]

Kids not invited but plan to crash the reception with kids. Don't expect to have a plate for the kids since under 5 for both. Will they get real mad? Will give a little more in the gift.

This post was edited on 3/20 1:03 PM by rutgersdave

 

[NoLondonBroil]

Originally posted by derleider:
Honestly, look at it this way.

You are having a big party. Like any big event, there is some politics in who you invite. But its your day (well your brothers in this case). Invite the people you want to hang out with, and sort out the rest afterwards. If the people aren't important enough to you to really want to invite, then them shutting you out of their life going forward is probably not a huge deal anyway.

Hell, I actually booted my cousin from my best man ship three weeks before my wedding (he was too broke to get a hotel room, so he would have been coming up with his parents the day of - no thanks dude.) If we can get over that, then you and your cousins, who you presumably arent that close with can get over the non-invite.

Phila - $50 might be high. I once had a mid-20s coworker ask if $20 was alright - for a COUPLE.
This post was edited on 3/20 12:46 PM by derleider

I can understand the sentiment behind almost all of this post except the bolded.

On your wedding day you have time to hang out with exactly 0.00% of your guests. You have to smile and take pictures and thank your in-laws' next door neighbors from their first house in Staten Island for coming.

 

[knightfan7]

We get a printout of events about a month in advance that includes the expected # of attendees. For weddings, about 1/3 of the time it's higher than the actual # who attend.

If it's a Summer event or around the holidays I'd invite some extras. You never know people's vacation plans. Worse come to worse they'll have to shell out a few hundred $ extra which they'll hopefully get back from the invitees.

 

[Upstream]

Originally posted by Doteman:


I'm in the middle of planning my wedding for July 31st this year, I went with the when in doubt invite them, and yes me and my future wife are paying for the wedding and we are both state employees so money is definitely an issue, if u get 10-20 more than you originally expected so what, you dish out 1-2k extra upfront and you get most/all back in a gift, big deal.

That's OK if the venue can accommodate 10-20 extra. But if you are limited by the size of the room, you have a hard cap on how many people can attend.

 

[Doteman]

True true Upstream, another point to consider.