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OT: Wedding problem

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LocalDC

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Jun 26, 2007
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ok, to make this brief..dealing with a blended family --hers, mine (no ours)
My daughter is getting married, her husband to be is a fashion fanatic
different families involved will wear different colors
my wife has four girls--two are not coming, one lives with us and one with her father
the one living with us is invited to wear the color of our family
the one not living with us is told just wear whatever, not invited to the "color" aspect
my wife is upset that this will make her feel like an outsider
my daughter says, well, I like her but she doesn't spend a lot of time with us/me
there is so much more drama behind the scenes, but if anyone has an opinion
I am being asked to ask my daughter to include her step sister in the color scheme
ugh..even typing this is ridiculous to me, but not to the others concerned.
so , dear Abby, do I make an issue of it to prevent some hurt feelings, stress others, etc
thought I would ask people who don't know anyone involved
thanks for taking the time to answer, if you can--by the way, all involved are over 21
 
It's your DAUGHTERS wedding not YOURS!
Invitations are just that. Should tell your step daughter and your wife it's thier choice to attend or not. Adults sure do know how to get back to the school yard on stuff like this.
Let it be the Newlyweds wedding day. Not the disfunctional family's wedding day!

If your opinion is asked give it, other than that stay out of it!
 
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Its wrong to exclude parts of a family like that. Tell your daughter that its incredibly awkward to split your wife's kids like that. So if they are invited they are going to wear the family colors. Period. I would tell, not ask. They are the children of your wife. Your daughter needs to be accepting of that. And if she isn't she needs to deal with it, not the other way around. If you allow this to go down, it will not only hurt your daughter's relationship with your wife, but potentially your relationship with your wife's kids.

He comment about spending time isn't fair. You either invite someone all the way or you don't. You don't invite them, but then ostracize them.

Even in the colors thing, it doesn't make sense any other way. The step-daughter is not being invited because she is friends of both. She is being invited because of her connection to your family.
 
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It pretty much comes down to ... what does your daughter say. Nothing else matters. If for some reason this other guy's family is paying for the whole wedding, then still, what does your daughter say. Nothing else matters. Not the groom. Not anybody's family. Just the bride.
 
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Why do people put their guests through the wringer to do something so pointless? In my opinion guests should be able to wear what suits them rather than be required to buy something they might not otherwise.

Anyway, can you have your wife's daughter wear a similar color or a lighter or darker shade of the color you have been assigned so she doesn't feel left out? Will she be excluded from family photos or will she be expected to be in them standing out like a sore thumb because she isn't included in the color coding?
 
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Is there something else going on between your daughter and her stepsister? You need to have a talk with your daughter to find out why she considers one stepsister as part of her family, and not the other stepsister.

Then your daughter has to decide if she is willing to let the outsider stepsister wear the family color to appease your wife.
 
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Bagarocks said:
It's your DAUGHTERS wedding not YOURS!
Invitations are just that. Should tell your step daughter and your wife it's thier choice to attend or not. Adults sure do know how to get back to the school yard on stuff like this.
Let it be the Newlyweds wedding day. Not the disfunctional family's wedding day!

If your opinion is asked give it, other than that stay out of it!
Click to expand...

I really couldn't disagree more. Its not the daughters right to divide his family like that. This is an issue common with second marriages, and its not something to shy away from. If the daughter wants to ostracize his step kids, she should be told it was your choice to invite them, and since you decided to do that, you don't now get to make them feel as though they are unwelcome.

This is not trying to involve yourself in your kids wedding when you weren't asked, its more about handling obviously inappropriate behavior.
 
there is tension between my wife and daughter
and big time between her two daughters--I think the one living with us has put in a bad word about her sister to my daughter
anyone old enough to remember Peyton Place ( as a general reference)
egad is right
 
LocalDC said:
ok, to make this brief..dealing with a blended family --hers, mine (no ours)
My daughter is getting married, her husband to be is a fashion fanatic
different families involved will wear different colors
my wife has four girls--two are not coming, one lives with us and one with her father
the one living with us is invited to wear the color of our family
the one not living with us is told just wear whatever, not invited to the "color" aspect
my wife is upset that this will make her feel like an outsider
my daughter says, well, I like her but she doesn't spend a lot of time with us/me
there is so much more drama behind the scenes, but if anyone has an opinion
I am being asked to ask my daughter to include her step sister in the color scheme
ugh..even typing this is ridiculous to me, but not to the others concerned.
so , dear Abby, do I make an issue of it to prevent some hurt feelings, stress others, etc
thought I would ask people who don't know anyone involved
thanks for taking the time to answer, if you can--by the way, all involved are over 21
Click to expand...

She can wear "whatever". Therefore, she can wear the family-assigned color scheme if she wants, even though she wasn't formally invited to wear it.
 
are you funding the wedding? if yes, do what you think is right. if no, do your best
 
Ole Cabbagehead said:
I really couldn't disagree more. Its not the daughters right to divide his family like that. This is an issue common with second marriages, and its not something to shy away from. If the daughter wants to ostracize his step kids, she should be told it was your choice to invite them, and since you decided to do that, you don't now get to make them feel as though they are unwelcome.

This is not trying to involve yourself in your kids wedding when you weren't asked, its more about handling obviously inappropriate behavior.
Click to expand...

We are talking about ADULTS not children!

When my children got married if they wanted my or my wifs opinion we gave it.

It's not the family's wedding it's the Newlyweds wedding.

So by your logic"cabbage" the Newlyweds should have thier day tarnished and thier happiness lessened for family members they may never see bother with again? I can just see all the happy faces now(dripping in sarcasm) everybody smiling, while the say , do I have to, why are they sitting there, I can't stand them, look at them, why are they here.
 
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Wow - that is quite the pickle.....my advice to you is bring it up DELICATELY and then get out as soon as possible. As they say in Rocky 'Stick and Move'. You want to be as Switzerland as possible, but also look like you made an effort - tough balancing act - good luck not ending up in divorce and alienating your daughter too - lol.
 
This seems like a disaster. I'll wish you luck first.

My best advice is to try and have a rational discussion with your daughter (difficult, I know) making sure she understands that what she is doing is going to lead to real problems with your family well beyond the wedding. And is that something she really wants? Ask her if she can do you a favor and allow the kid to wear the same color, because it will make everyone's lives easier.

If she still refuses, I'd pack a couple bags and some cash and get the hell out of dodge.
 
e5fdny said:
That is the first question I would have asked too.
Click to expand...

First, great seeing you and the wife yesterday.

Second, who's paying is a big factor but it's a slippery slope under any circumstance. In the 20 years I've been working weddings I've see very minor issues affect people's enjoyment of what should be a special day for all involved.

It sucks that the Father of the bride (you) is stuck in the middle. You'd hope old issues could be forgotten for one day but it doesn't sound like feelings will change. I think in this case you have to go with the bride's wishes.
 
knightfan7 said:
First, great seeing you and the wife yesterday.

Second, who's paying is a big factor but it's a slippery slope under any circumstance. In the 20 years I've been working weddings I've see very minor issues affect people's enjoyment of what should be a special day for all involved.

It sucks that the Father of the bride (you) is stuck in the middle. You'd hope old issues could be forgotten for one day but it doesn't sound like feelings will change. I think in this case you have to go with the bride's wishes.
Click to expand...
Agree.

I didn't mean the one writing the check should have the final say but the opinion of that person does carry some weight in determining a Solomon-like decision.

And it was nice night. Good seeing you too.
 
I'm paying what amounts to a little under half
really appreciate the feedback..even though its diverse, gets me thinking
and yes, this sucks
I raised her alone (her mother died) and now having to deal with this crap
 
Well if all else fails maybe tell her that you were at your wits end, and the only possible recourse you had left was to ask the foremost authority on weddings - The Rutgers Football Forums. Let this marinate for another 24 hours, show her the thread, and she'll either get a big kick out of it......or more likely you will have the color stripped of your suit/tux that day changed to now match that of the other daughter.
 
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Simple, let the daughter (left out of the color scheme) know the color your family will be wearing.

After all, she was told to wear "whatever". So if she shows up in the same color, well, then, OOPS!

Tough spot, hope it helps.
 
LocalDC said:
its MY daughter that is putting up the fuss about her not wearing, not him
Click to expand...
Hard to say without knowing your relationship with your daughter. If you have a good relationship with her, sit down as adults, just the 2 of you and explain why you would like to include the step sister with the family.
 
Just show up in the family colors, who is going say anything...nobody. The wedding day is a blur.
 
best of luck. Tough spot. I have three girls. none old enough to be married yet.

I would play the "do it for Daddy" card. If that does not work, perhaps you can talk to the other young lady and help her understand the situation.
 
PhilaPhans said:
It pretty much comes down to ... what does your daughter say. Nothing else matters. If for some reason this other guy's family is paying for the whole wedding, then still, what does your daughter say. Nothing else matters. Not the groom. Not anybody's family. Just the bride.
Click to expand...

Not really, life isn't a fairy tale where the bride is always right. Antiquated thinking.

Can't the other daughter just wear the color anyway. They said she could wear whatever.
 
Sorry for misreading it originally.

I guess my question would now be ... what are the colors really for? Just to signify who's part of which family, to make conversation and gathering people for pictures easier? If so, your daughter should wear your family's colors. If for some reason your daughter absolutely hates this girl, then she probably wouldn't have been invited in the first place (is my guess). It sounds like there's just no connection.

My suggestion is to invite your other daughter down more to visit and become involved in more things with your family. I'd straight up ask "what is your issue if she does dress in our family's colors, since ... she is in our family"? If it really is just not feeling like she's part of the family ... that's pretty much telling that it's not personal, but there's more you could do.

For the record I'm in a similar situation with my brother's wedding next year. My dad has as much involvement with us right now as the daughter who lives with her father in your situation. When we are together, he's often full of crap and pissing somebody off. So do we invite him to the wedding (father of the groom)? Right now he's Syracuse/Monmouth/Tulsa/St. Bonnies. Maybe he makes the cut, maybe he doesn't.
 
FanuSanu52 said:
Not really, life isn't a fairy tale where the bride is always right. Antiquated thinking. Can't the other daughter just wear the color anyway. They said she could wear whatever.
Click to expand...

I couldn't disagree more. Weddings are and will always be about the bride (if there's a bride and groom). Once families start getting involved in how things should be, it just takes away from the people (the bride and groom) who matter.

That being said, if I had my way, people wouldn't be spending 20K-100K+ on weddings. It's just another stupid waste of money when people are already in debt up to their ears oftentimes.
 
OP is wrong to allow a step-sister that is barely affiliated with the bride be included as FAMILY. Your wife is being selfish forcing her daughters upon your daughter on the biggest day of her life. And since you aren't paying for the whole thing, you really don't have a right to pick your wife's side over your daughters.
 
LocalDC said:
ok, to make this brief..dealing with a blended family --hers, mine (no ours)
My daughter is getting married, her husband to be is a fashion fanatic
different families involved will wear different colors
my wife has four girls--two are not coming, one lives with us and one with her father
the one living with us is invited to wear the color of our family
the one not living with us is told just wear whatever, not invited to the "color" aspect
my wife is upset that this will make her feel like an outsider
my daughter says, well, I like her but she doesn't spend a lot of time with us/me
there is so much more drama behind the scenes, but if anyone has an opinion
I am being asked to ask my daughter to include her step sister in the color scheme
ugh..even typing this is ridiculous to me, but not to the others concerned.
so , dear Abby, do I make an issue of it to prevent some hurt feelings, stress others, etc
thought I would ask people who don't know anyone involved
thanks for taking the time to answer, if you can--by the way, all involved are over 21
Click to expand...

You don't have a wedding problem you have a future son in law problem.

If he is seriously asking people to dress up in different colors then IMO he has some unexplored issues that need to be resolved prior to getting married. A man's job at a wedding is to say yes to everything the bride wants, show up and smile and try and not catch a venereal disease at the bachelor party.
 
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Bagarocks said:
We are talking about ADULTS not children!

When my children got married if they wanted my or my wifs opinion we gave it.

It's not the family's wedding it's the Newlyweds wedding.

So by your logic"cabbage" the Newlyweds should have thier day tarnished and thier happiness lessened for family members they may never see bother with again? I can just see all the happy faces now(dripping in sarcasm) everybody smiling, while the say , do I have to, why are they sitting there, I can't stand them, look at them, why are they here.
Click to expand...

If their happiness is lessened by not ostracizing a member of the family, that is their problem. Its all nonsense. If one family is wearing a certain color, all family members should be included. The daughter is trying to exclude one family member, basically saying, you are not a part of my family, so you should not dress like the rest of us. Its inappropriate.

I agree with being hands off with unimportant details. But the daughter invited her step-sister to the wedding, and is now saying you cannot "be a part of our family." Its just wrong. I would tell my daughter to be respectful of my new wife and her kids.

Its not a matter of wedding particulars. Its a matter of respect.
 
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RobertG said:
You don't have a wedding problem you have a future son in law problem.

If he is seriously asking people to dress up in different colors then IMO he has some unexplored issues that need to be resolved prior to getting married. A man's job at a wedding is to say yes to everything the bride wants, show up and smile and try and not catch a venereal disease at the bachelor party.
Click to expand...
I have to agree. With the first part at least. If the groom wants to have a say in the planning of the wedding and color coding family dress is his choice, I have a feeling he is going to be high maintenance from here on out. Only thing I put my foot down on in my wedding was making sure the band had a horn section.
 
Ole Cabbagehead said:
If their happiness is lessened by not ostracizing a member of the family, that is their problem. Its all nonsense. If one family is wearing a certain color, all family members should be included. The daughter is trying to exclude one family member, basically saying, you are not a part of my family, so you should not dress like the rest of us. Its inappropriate.

I agree with being hands off with unimportant details. But the daughter invited her step-sister to the wedding, and is now saying you cannot "be a part of our family." Its just wrong. I would tell my daughter to be respectful of my new wife and her kids.

Its not a matter of wedding particulars. Its a matter of respect.
Click to expand...

I agree with cabbage. Your daughter doesn't have to invite your wife's children to wear her colors if she doesn't want to. But what she shouldn't do is invite one of your wife's daughters to wear her colors and not the other. Your wife feels like one of her daughters is being excluded because she is.

Having said that, it's your daughters day and in the end you have to support her decision whatever that is. But you should make it clear to her that she's causing a rift and that both she and you are going to have to accept the negative consequences of that if she doesn't change her position. Hopefully your daughter will choose not to put her father in an awkward position over a dress.
 
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People lose their minds when it comes to weddings and not just the bride - mothers, sisters, bridesmaids and sometimes even grooms and fathers. Many brides look at the wedding as their way to settle scores and many guests look at it as an opportunity to distract attention from the couple and make it a look at me momment. Both are wrong and stupid. BUT at the end of the day it is the couples wedding and people need to fall in line or get off the bus.

My biggest question is why do people want to go to weddings where they know that they are not welcome?! Which is also wrong and stupid. What is the end game? Nothing but a power play by the guest or their champion. STUPID.

These days I pray to not be invited to weddings. I only want to be at a wedding if my wife or I are close enough to be in the wedding or if it is a small destination wedding with only the closest of friends and family.
 
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