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Slow day/OT: what is your favorite a-guy-walks-into-a-bar joke?

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Frabjous

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Oct 3, 2013
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A Michigan Wolverine walks into a bar with a frog on his head. Bartender says 'what the hell is this? The frog says 'it started off as a wart on my ass.'

A buzzard tries to get on a plane with two dead rabbits. The Stewardess says 'sorry, no carrion.'

A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi walk into a bar. Bartender says 'what is this, a joke?'
 
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From the long joke thread: "An Irishman walks out of a bar..." No really, it can happen.
 
A guy walks into a bar in Mexico, and sees a sign that says "If you can make this donkey laugh we will give you $100."

So the guy goes to the donkey and whispers something in his ear and the donkey starts laughing uncontrollably. Then the guy walks straight to the bartender and collects the $100.

A week later the guy goes back to the bar and now the sign says "If you can make this donkey stop laughing we will give you $100." The bartender told the guy that the donkey hasn't stopped laughing since the last time he was in the bar. So the guy walks back to the donkey and in moments the donkey stops laughing!

The guys goes back to the bartender and collects another $100. The bartender was in complete disbelief and asked the guy "how did you do it?"
The guy replied, "Well the first time I told him my d*ck was bigger than his."

"And this time?"
"I showed him."
 
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Guy walks into a bar with a dog.

Bar tender says, "Sorry, no dogs allowed."

Guy says, "But this dog is special, he can talk."

Bar tender says, "Right. Sure"

Guy says, "Not only that, he can answer questions."

Bar tender says, "OK, one question."

Guy says to the dog, "Who's the greatest baseball player ever?"

Dog say, "Rooff!"

Bartender throws them out in the street.

Dog turns to guy and says, "DiMaggio?"



I'm here through Thursday. Try the veal.
 
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A piece of string walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like a drink"
Bartender looks at the string and says, "sorry, we don't serve strings here, get out."
The string leaves the bar, puts on a pair of disguise glasses (with the nose and mustache attached), walks back into the bar, pounds the bar with his fist and says, "Bartender! I'd like a drink!"
The bartender walks over, looks the string in the eye, and says, "You're not fooling me. I know you're a string, get outta here!"
The string goes back outside. He twists himself all up and around himself. He frizzes up his hair.
He walks back into the bar and says, "Bartender, get me a drink!"
The bartender gives a close look and asks, "Hey, you're not a string, are you?"
String replies, "I'm a frayed knot!"
 
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So I'm in Scotland, up north of Stirling, in some village near Crieff. I go to a pub, and when I get my pint I see a guy a couple of stools over crying into his beer.
It's too late to avoid it now, he sees me and starts telling me all his troubles, how nobody in town respects him, etc., etc.
A few minutes in, he points out the front window, and says, "See there? That bridge down the way, made of stone? I built it with me own two hands. But do they call me Schmitty the Bridge Builder? Nay."
He takes another swig of his beer.
He points out the side window behind the bar. "And ye see that school house on the hill, also made of stone? I built that with me own two hands. But do they call me Schmitty the School Builder? Nay."
He takes another swig and continues,
"But you f*** a sheep JUST ONCE...!!!"
 
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A drunk walks into a bar, staggers over to the bartender and orders a beer and a shot. The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve drunks" and throws him out.
About fifteen minutes later, the drunk walks in the side door of the same bar, stumbles up to the bartender with the same results.
Soon after, the drunk comes in the back door of the bar, and the bartender says "Look, buddy. I threw you out twice already. I'm not serving you."
The drunk looks at him and says "This is the third bar I've been to. Do you work in every bar in this town?"
 
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OTBOTOR said:
So I'm in Scotland, up north of Stirling, in some village near Crieff. I go to a pub, and when I get my pint I see a guy a couple of stools over crying into his beer.
It's too late to avoid it now, he sees me and starts telling me all his troubles, how nobody in town respects him, etc., etc.
A few minutes in, he points out the front window, and says, "See there? That bridge down the way, made of stone? I built it with me own two hands. But do they call me Schmitty the Bridge Builder? Nay."
He takes another swig of his beer.
He points out the side window behind the bar. "And ye see that school house on the hill, also made of stone? I built that with me own two hands. But do they call me Schmitty the School Builder? Nay."
He takes another swig and continues,
"But you f*** a sheep JUST ONCE...!!!"
Click to expand...

Winner! Thread over!
 
Guy carries a head under his arm into a bar and places it on a coaster ...Head tells the bartender give me a shot a whiskey.
Head grows arms and legs and proceeds to die...Guy says I told him to quit while he was ahead.
 
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Guy walks into the bar and bartender asks him what he would like to,drink.

Guys says give me a scotch and looking at a woman across the bar says "and give that douchebag at the end of the bar a drink on me".

Bartender says "don't talk about her like that, she is one of my best customers".

Guy says "I apologize, please, buy that nice young lady at the end of the end of the bar a drink on me".

Bartender says "that's better" and tells her the man at the end of the bar would like to bar her a drink.

She says "give me a vinegar and water".
 
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Guy walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whiskey. Bartender pours the drinks and the guy immediately shoots them down. Guy orders another 3 and shoots them down even more quickly. Curious, the bartender asks, "What's the occasion?" The guy says he celebrating his first bj. "You're first bj" the bartender yells, "well let me buy you the next shot." The guys says, "Thanks, but if I can't get his taste out of my mouth after 6 shots, I don't want a 7th!
 
One for your kids.

Guy goes into a bar and sees a giraffe lying on the floor.

He says to the bartender, "Why is that lyin' on the floor?"

Bartender says, "That's not a lion. It's a giraffe."
 
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A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. He sits down

Bartender says "How can I help you buddy"?

The duck says "can you get this guy off my ass?"
 
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ron313 said:
I like the version Sara Jessica Parker walks into a bar. Hey, why the long face?
Click to expand...
Hey, leave her alone. She deserves some slack after doing what no other horse had done in 40 something years in winning the triple crown.
 
okieKnight908 said:
It's nerdy and along the same lines:

A photon walks into a hotel. The desk clerk says, "Welcome to our hotel. Can we help you with your luggage?" The photon says, "No thanks, I'm traveling light."
Click to expand...
In that vein:

A neutron walks into a bar. He orders a beer and pulls out his wallet. Bartender smiles and says "For you, no charge."
 
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Read this in an Irish accent:

An Irishman walks into a bar an orders a drink. He see's another guy at the end of the bar and starts a conversation with him :

"My good man, can I buy you a drink? second man :Of course, thank you"

"where might you be from Ireland? " "County Cork"

" that is great , so am I"

"and what town might you be from? " " Bandon and you?"

"amazing I am from Bandon also!"

"what might you mothers maiden name be? " " her lovely name is Ryan"

"OMG so is mine"

Right then the phone rings and the bartender answers it and it his wife asking how things are going at the bar today.

He replies "pretty normal and the Ryan twins are drunk again"
 
A woman and a duck walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Where did you get the pig."

The woman says, "That's not a pig, that's a duck."

The bartender replies, "I was talking to the duck."
 
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon and looks around. The saloon keeper asks him if he can help him. The dog replies, "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."
 
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare and says, 'What'cha gonna do about it?'

The poor little guy starts crying.

'Come on man! I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying.

“This is the worst day of my life,” says the little guy between sobs. “I can't do anything right.

"I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.

"When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance.

"I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.

"So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison."
 
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My grandpa, God rest his soul, this was always his favorite:

A termite walks into a bar and says "How's the bar, tender?"
 
An ox walked into a bar. Bartender says, "Off the wagon again?"

A sheep walked into a bar and asks for a beer. Bartender stares at him in amazement for 5 minutes, says "sorry..we don't often get talking sheep in this bar. That will be 10 dollars." Sheep responds, "At 10 dollars a beer, no sh*t"

A guy walks into a bar and hears a small voice say "You look handsome today." A few minutes later, he hears the same voice say, "That's a nice jacket you're wearing." He looks around but doesn't see anyone talking to him, so he asks the bartender if he hears it. Bartender says, "Yeah, that's the peanuts. They're complimentary here."

A lumberjack walked into a bar and orders a yuengling. Bartender says sorry, "We Don't serve lagers here" So he orders a vodka..bartender says, "No loggers, I told you. Get out!"
 
As long as we've sunk to this level.

Guy walks in the door, and sits down at the bar. He notices a toothless gorilla chained up behind the bar.

Guy: "Hey bartender, what's the gorilla for?"

BT: "I'll show you." BT takes out a short baseball bat from behind the bar, walks over to the toothless gorilla, drops his pants, whacks the gorilla over the head with the bat. Gorilla suks the BT dry. BT zips up his pants. Turns to the guy at the bar. Holds out the bat and says: "You want to try it?'

Guy: "Sure, but you don't have to hit me over the head with the bat."
 
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Two highways walk into a bar. (Yeah, two highways, work with me here.) A few minutes later a narrow strip of pavement also enters. The highways nervously get up and retreat to a booth way in the back.

The bartender walks over to them. "I know it's none of my business, but you guys are big highways. Don't tell me you're afraid of that skinny little strip of pavement."

"You don't understand", one of the highways blurted nervously, "That guy's a CYCLE PATH!"
 
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender smiles and says, "You know, we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper responds, "You have a drink named Fred?"
 
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