Slow day/OT: what is your favorite a-guy-walks-into-a-bar joke?
- Thread starter Frabjous
- Start date
Jabril Peppers limps into a bar....
Bubba is the bar tender at his own bar, Bubba's Place. Bubba is a professional arm wrestler, and to prove his arm strength, especially his powerful grip, Bubba runs a contest at the bar every Friday night at 10PM.
People can put $20 in the Lemon Jar during the night to challenge Bubba to a lemon squeezing contest at 10PM. Bubba cuts a lemon in half, takes one of the halves, and squeezes it until no more juice comes out. If anyone can get at least one more drop of juice out of the lemon, they win all the cash in the Lemon Jar. For the past five years, every Friday night at 10PM, no one has been able to beat Bubba.
One Friday night at 9:55PM, an old scrawny man walks into the bar and puts $20 in the jar. At 10PM Bubba cuts the lemon, squeezes, and then passes it around to the contestants. Not one drop of juice.
Bubba says: "Thanks for playing again everyone. Appreciate the easy money."
Old man: "Not so fast son. I still get to try. I paid my $20."
Bubba: "Come on old man. There's no way you can get any juice out of this lemon. You are too old and weak."
Bubba hands the old man the squeezed lemon anyway. Old man puts it in his hand and squeezes. Three drops of lemon juice fall from the lemon. Patrons and Bubba can't believe what they just saw. Old man grabs his winnings, and heads to the door without saying a word.
Bubba: "Hey old man. How did you do that? I have to know."
Old man: "I used to work for the IRS."
People can put $20 in the Lemon Jar during the night to challenge Bubba to a lemon squeezing contest at 10PM. Bubba cuts a lemon in half, takes one of the halves, and squeezes it until no more juice comes out. If anyone can get at least one more drop of juice out of the lemon, they win all the cash in the Lemon Jar. For the past five years, every Friday night at 10PM, no one has been able to beat Bubba.
One Friday night at 9:55PM, an old scrawny man walks into the bar and puts $20 in the jar. At 10PM Bubba cuts the lemon, squeezes, and then passes it around to the contestants. Not one drop of juice.
Bubba says: "Thanks for playing again everyone. Appreciate the easy money."
Old man: "Not so fast son. I still get to try. I paid my $20."
Bubba: "Come on old man. There's no way you can get any juice out of this lemon. You are too old and weak."
Bubba hands the old man the squeezed lemon anyway. Old man puts it in his hand and squeezes. Three drops of lemon juice fall from the lemon. Patrons and Bubba can't believe what they just saw. Old man grabs his winnings, and heads to the door without saying a word.
Bubba: "Hey old man. How did you do that? I have to know."
Old man: "I used to work for the IRS."
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of the fly of his pants. The bartender takes a look at him, a look at the steering wheel, and says "Hey buddy, you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?"
The pirate response, "Arrr, it's driving me nuts!"
The pirate response, "Arrr, it's driving me nuts!"
A Scotsman, Englishman, and Irishman walk into a bar. They start reminiscing about their favorite pubs back home:
"Back in Glasgow, if you buy a pint they give you a half pint free."
"At my favorite pub in London, if you order the fish and chips you get a pint free."
"That's nothing. I know a place in Dublin where you don't have to pay for your drinks at all. Then after you've had a few, you can go upstairs and have sex."
"Wow! You've done that?"
"No, but me sister has."
"Back in Glasgow, if you buy a pint they give you a half pint free."
"At my favorite pub in London, if you order the fish and chips you get a pint free."
"That's nothing. I know a place in Dublin where you don't have to pay for your drinks at all. Then after you've had a few, you can go upstairs and have sex."
"Wow! You've done that?"
"No, but me sister has."
A bartender walks into a church, a synagogue, and a mosque. He doesn't understand how jokes work.
A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.
All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey,expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north. The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada." " Canada " The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?" "No," says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi, I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."
All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey,expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north. The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada." " Canada " The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?" "No," says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi, I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."
A duck walks into a bar, animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
You've seriously "failed" with 2 posts in this thread. WTF man?
A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers. The bartender gives him five beers.
A dog walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender goes to get him a drink, but then realizes how ridiculous this is and wakes up from his dream. He rolls over to tell his wife about it, but she ignores him. He begins to cry silently, realizing his marriage is in shambles.
So, do you think these are funny, or are you intentionally trying to be unfunny for some reason?
Man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you." So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind." The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out! "The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.' The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.' "The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded! "So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.' "The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible. "The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining.'" The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head."
Reminds me of another Roman who walked into a bar and said, "Bartender, I'd like a martinus."
"You mean a martini?" the bartender asked.
Roman replied, "If I wanted a double I would've asked for it!"
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer, and so on. The bartender pours two beers for the whole group and says, "Of all people, you guys ought to know your limits".
ALTERNATE VERSION (in case you've already heard the above):
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The bartender says we don't sell half beers. Everyone is sad that the joke is ruined.
ALTERNATE VERSION (in case you've already heard the above):
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The bartender says we don't sell half beers. Everyone is sad that the joke is ruined.
A slice of pizza walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender tells him, "sorry buddy, we don't serve food here".
Wait...you thought a "joke" about a guy realizing his life was falling apart was funny? Really?
That guy's failing, miserably, with some of his attempts at "humor." Sorry.
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Thank you!!!!!!
This was fun, to all of you, and your family's,
I wish the new year brings, happiness, and health!!!!!!
This was fun, to all of you, and your family's,
I wish the new year brings, happiness, and health!!!!!!
It's New Year's Day afternoon. Guy walks into a bar and says "Can't believe it's 2016 already. Should be a GREAT year!"
(yes, I made that up, because I've had the shittiest year ever and need to laugh about it just a tad hahaha....)
(yes, I made that up, because I've had the shittiest year ever and need to laugh about it just a tad hahaha....)
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