OT: P.I. and Divorce in NJ

[theRU]

Hey all,

I know this board has a wealth of experience. I'm actually asking this for a friend as I'm hoping to give him best advice.

He has strong suspicion that his wife is having an affair. He wants to hire a PI to confirm suspicions.

My understanding of this situation is that he already has enough information to confront her, a pi only adds cost and there are no benefits in terms of divorce if he proves the spouse is cheating.

Is this correct? The situation will have no bearing on outcome of divorce settlement?
He is the main bread winner with kids in HS. Not sure if there is something else I should be guiding him to do.

Thanks

 

[theRU]

Also - should a pi be necessary.. any guidance on recommendation, expected budget for this?

 

[fsg2]

And like that, the Red Rocks tix hookup is replaced in the most random TKR query of the year race.

 

[patk89]

My sister's ex-husband cheated with his boss. At the end of the day, that fact had no bearing on the divorce terms. He did pay thru the nose.

 

[theRU]

And like that, the Red Rocks tix hookup is replaced in the most random TKR query of the year race.

Title spells it's all out... Don't complain when. You enter OT threads. If they're not disclaimed that's a different story

 

[The RUT]

And like that, the Red Rocks tix hookup is replaced in the most random TKR query of the year race.

Damn, just one month to go too. Would have been a nice trophy to add to my trophy case.

 

[fsg2]

Title spells it's all out... Don't complain when. You enter OT threads. If they're not disclaimed that's a different story

Did I complain?

 

[yesrutgers01]

In NJ, the amount of money you will have to pay your cheating ...oops- your friend will have to pay his cheating wife, will not change unless if during the acts of cheating, she spent enough money on things like gifts, trips, hotels etc so that affected your "friends" way of living.

I don't know who this attorney is and am not advocating for them but here is some good information.
your cheating wife

 

[RUPete]

You learn a lot on this board. Keep the OTs coming.

 

[retired711]

Your friend needs a lawyer. Period. Free legal advice is worth what you pay for it.

 

[RUPete]

Your friend needs a lawyer. Period. Free legal advice is worth what you pay for it.

I think the inquiry was more about avoiding what appears to be an unnecessary PI expense.

 

[mildone]

The simple and direct answer is that a spouse cheating doesn't materially impact divorce agreements in NJ. The more nuanced answer is that it could, in certain unusual circumstances in the eyes of NJ courts, potentially impact child custody negotiations that could ultimately have a substantial impact on child-support payments.

The second thing is super unlikely to succeed unless there's some kind of significant abusive or neglectful behavior (towards the children) in question. And it won't affect alimony at all. So hiring a PI would almost certainly be a monumental waste of money, not to mention potentially creating a problem where they wasn't one.

If I were friends of the couple in question, and if they've had a good relationship up till this point, then I would urge my friend to talk to his wife and work things out. If he's at the point where he's that suspicious of the wife, then even if she's not cheating or anything close to it, they have a serious trust issue to work out.

If she is cheating, and if he's a pretty secure person, then they can probably get past it (again, only if the relationship has been strong to up to this point). OTOH, if he's an insecure guy, or the relationship has been rocky all along and that's why she's cheating, then it's probably over.

 

[mildone]

Oh, and I should point out that his best approach could be to sell the wife and kids before stuff gets expensive.

 

[NickRU714]

And like that, the Red Rocks tix hookup is replaced in the most random TKR query of the year race.

Maybe the guy asking for Red Rocks tix is planning on taking the wife?

 

[retired711]

I think the inquiry was more about avoiding what appears to be an unnecessary PI expense.

He needs to talk to a lawyer about that, too.

 

[RUPete]

He needs to talk to a lawyer about that, too.

There's lawyers on this board. Some are mathematicians, some are carpenter's wives, I don't know how it all got started, I don't know what they do with their lives...

 

[RUPete]

Maybe the guy asking for Red Rocks tix is planning on taking the wife?

You think very efficiently.

 

[Jm0513]

Also - should a pi be necessary.. any guidance on recommendation, expected budget for this?

Tell your friend it’s cheaper to keep her.

On a serious note…I’ll follow her.
What’s he willing to pay to find out if she has a side piece?

 

[mildone]

Tell your friend it’s cheaper to keep her.

On a serious note…I’ll follow her.
What’s he willing to pay to find out if she has a side piece?

I mean, if she’s hot and the side piece is hot, and the PI can produce some good 4K video, then hubby, wife, and the side piece could be making big money on Pornhub. Turn lemons into lemonade is what I’m saying here. The kids become trust fund millionaires. Everybody wins but the divorce lawyers.

 

[The RUT]

The harsh reality is your friend is likely going to get screwed.

 

[wicker]

Some cheating husbands' involvements are never open. People I know insist every lustful lover stays true. Raw intimacy's no good except romantically. Admit spousal history

 

[theRU]

The simple and direct answer is that a spouse cheating doesn't materially impact divorce agreements in NJ. The more nuanced answer is that it could, in certain unusual circumstances in the eyes of NJ courts, potentially impact child custody negotiations that could ultimately have a substantial impact on child-support payments.

The second thing is super unlikely to succeed unless there's some kind of significant abusive or neglectful behavior (towards the children) in question. And it won't affect alimony at all. So hiring a PI would almost certainly be a monumental waste of money, not to mention potentially creating a problem where they wasn't one.

If I were friends of the couple in question, and if they've had a good relationship up till this point, then I would urge my friend to talk to his wife and work things out. If he's at the point where he's that suspicious of the wife, then even if she's not cheating or anything close to it, they have a serious trust issue to work out.

If she is cheating, and if he's a pretty secure person, then they can probably get past it (again, only if the relationship has been strong to up to this point). OTOH, if he's an insecure guy, or the relationship has been rocky all along and that's why she's cheating, then it's probably over.

Thought so thanks - not getting into all the details here but he's had enough reason to be suspicious (found a burner phone) and he's ended up getting some audio of her conversations which he picked up on home security cameras. To me it's enough to either decide on counseling or just start the divorce. His decision - I'm just trying to prevent a PI from taking whatever the lawyers don't.

Sounds like he wants another level of validation and piece of mind that he didn't end the marriage.

 

[RU4Real]

So many questions...

 

[RU4Real]

Also, I've never met her before in my life, I swear.

 

[RUPete]

Thought so thanks - not getting into all the details here but he's had enough reason to be suspicious (found a burner phone) and he's ended up getting some audio of her conversations which he picked up on home security cameras. To me it's enough to either decide on counseling or just start the divorce. His decision - I'm just trying to prevent a PI from taking whatever the lawyers don't.

Sounds like he wants another level of validation and piece of mind that he didn't end the marriage.

Honestly, I think he already was his own PI. Sounds like he has enough to bring to an attorney if it would have an impact on the proceedings.

 

[retired711]

There's lawyers on this board. Some are mathematicians, some are carpenter's wives, I don't know how it all got started, I don't know what they do with their lives...

Like I say, free legal advice is worth what you pay for it.

 

[mildone]

Honestly, I think he already was his own PI. Sounds like he has enough to bring to an attorney if it would have an impact on the proceedings.

One doesn’t need anything at all to get divorced and the attorney will not care about any audio or other evidence of cheating. Not unless child abuse, related somehow to the cheating, is an issue. Because it’ll have no bearing on the divorce.

I agree with retired711 that, if divorce is where it’s headed, a consult with a good attorney is where to start, not a consult with the internet.

 

[RUPete]

One doesn’t need anything at all to get divorced and the attorney will not care about any audio or other evidence of cheating. Not unless child abuse, related somehow to the cheating, is an issue. Because it’ll have no bearing on the divorce.

I agree with retired711 that, if divorce is where it’s headed, a consult with a good attorney is where to start, not a consult with the internet.

But reading between the lines, I think it's a given that he's going to get an attorney. Again, the inquiry was more about whether a PI is worth it or not. It appears from this thread that the answer is no, so I think it's mission accomplished for the OP.

 

[RUPsyched]

I was 16 when my parents separated due to my mother's infidelity. No PI was needed. She was caught at a restaurant by friends, admitted it and moved out.

Since my siblings and I were teenagers, we knew what was going on for a while. To say the situation sucked was an understatement.

No doubt my mother and the guy she eventually married wanted to get caught. They were married for almost 30 years before he died. My Dad also remarried.

As much as I love my mother, she wrongly began a relationship before rather than after the separation.

I don't know your situation. But maybe my experience can help you with yours. Feel free to PM me if you would like to discuss further.

 

[RUinPinehurst]

Engage the best divorce attorney in your area. She'll direct your plan of attack and will have resources to deploy, as needed. Get it done as quickly as possible, without malice.

That said, with each ending there absolutely is a new beginning. Don't dwell on it. Move on. Life is good.

 

[yesrutgers01]

One doesn’t need anything at all to get divorced and the attorney will not care about any audio or other evidence of cheating. Not unless child abuse, related somehow to the cheating, is an issue. Because it’ll have no bearing on the divorce.

I agree with retired711 that, if divorce is where it’s headed, a consult with a good attorney is where to start, not a consult with the internet.

From experience- this is something that happens to most "good" men that find themselves in a bad place in marriage. Most of us, if we have kids, will just feel like shit and feel a ton of guilt. Even if she is at fault.
What happens next- the man will try to just work it out with the wife and for the sake of the kids, do everything possible to keep their lives stable.

That may be doable in the first year or two. But...that same man will find himself doing the final papers with his soon to be ex and her lawyer.

Disclaimer- I am not talking about pure POS men. But, the common husband and father. Even if it was his fault- never end up at the table thinking everything is mutual and you are going to do what it takes to take care of the family.

3 years later- she may be remarried, good income, you have been not only paying more than you even bring home yourself, but paying extra for everything else.
And all the everything else, that is not in court documents = nothing in the court of law.

Get a lawyer- be fair but make sure both parties are being fair.

And, this also goes for the wife too- make sure you protect yourself as well and take guilt out of it.

 

[rutgersal]

He needs to talk to a lawyer about that, too.

This is the best advice. One reason you’d hire a PI, is that if you’re ending the marriage due to adultery, you need direct evidence, whether photos or testimonials.

 

[newell138]

This is the best advice. One reason you’d hire a PI, is that if you’re ending the marriage due to adultery, you need direct evidence, whether photos or testimonials.

You don’t need evidence to get a divorce in NJ and her cheating will have no impact on alimony

 

[yesrutgers01]

This is the best advice. One reason you’d hire a PI, is that if you’re ending the marriage due to adultery, you need direct evidence, whether photos or testimonials.

The OPcasked if worth the price. It doesn’t seem so in a normal couple/divorce. If there are kids involved, you are actually better off just moving on.
It seems, unless you have some sort of prenup- it isn’t going to make a difference in the settlement. So, think about the kids instead…if there are kids.

 

[colbert17]

If you get a PI, make sure it's the best.

 

[RUPete]

If you get a PI, make sure it's the best.

View embedded media

This case would be too mundane for him.

 

[RUnTeX]

Oh, and I should point out that his best approach could be to sell the wife and kids before stuff gets expensive.

Too late, inflation is kicking everyone's butt. Wife and kids are no different....fewer buyers can afford them on the resale market with the Fed keep raising rates. This guy is going to have to cut his asking price.

 

[RU Diesel07110]

Clear out the bank acct. say you had a hot tip on Rutgers winning the NC🤷🏻
When the dust clears if she’s cheating at least you’ll have the $$$.

 

[RUTGERS95]

You don’t need evidence to get a divorce in NJ and her cheating will have no impact on alimony

Exactly. Stupid thread, premise and some responses.

Now he should be pulling money and hiding it. 6mos look back so plan accordingly

 

[RUTGERS95]

From experience- this is something that happens to most "good" men that find themselves in a bad place in marriage. Most of us, if we have kids, will just feel like shit and feel a ton of guilt. Even if she is at fault.
What happens next- the man will try to just work it out with the wife and for the sake of the kids, do everything possible to keep their lives stable.

That may be doable in the first year or two. But...that same man will find himself doing the final papers with his soon to be ex and her lawyer.

Disclaimer- I am not talking about pure POS men. But, the common husband and father. Even if it was his fault- never end up at the table thinking everything is mutual and you are going to do what it takes to take care of the family.

3 years later- she may be remarried, good income, you have been not only paying more than you even bring home yourself, but paying extra for everything else.
And all the everything else, that is not in court documents = nothing in the court of law.

Get a lawyer- be fair but make sure both parties are being fair.

And, this also goes for the wife too- make sure you protect yourself as well and take guilt out of it.

Agree...get a great divorce lawyer and guilt has no place at the table. What leads to divorce is a series of cuts, no single slice. Takes two to make it work or fail.