OT: Questions about "popping the question."

[Mr_Sinister]

So I'm getting ready to pop the question after long last. Yeah, I know... lame. Alas, not all of us can be Derek Jeter.

On a serious note, I setup a meeting with the father-in-law-to-be and I was wondering if you're suppose to get a gift or perhaps something for the mother-in-law so as not to show up empty handed?

 

[rutcor]

Up to you. The old man likes scotch, I got him some, we enjoyed some right then and there. He still brings it up. Had flowers for the mom, too, but nothing crazy.

 

[newell138]

When we told my wifes parents, my mother in law took me up to her bedroom, lifted up the mattress and pulled out a couple of aluminum foil packets and handed them to me. It was cash. She said, thank god someone is marrying her.

 

[vkj91]

Never hurts to make them part of the process. I got the MIL flowers and father champagne as he only drank his homemade wine.

 

[PhilaPhans]

I just went through helping my brother with this stuff a couple of weeks ago.

There are a couple of necessary questions that I would need answers to:
* How is your relationship with her parents?
* Do you get them Christmas and birthday presents already?

The answer to your question depends on the answers to those questions.

 

[skindawgs]

DON'T DO IT

 

[Scarlet Shack]

This is a very touchy one...it really depends on the relationship you have with the in laws...and your relationship with the in laws

Doing this the right way is the ultimate of respect for her parents...and a lot of relationship building can be made with that.

HOWEVER...some in laws...took it to say that because you discussed it...it suggests the old traditional way of asking for their permission....they, consciously or sub-consciously, take it to mean they have a say going forward in your new life with your wife. I wont tell you the potential problems that can cause much later...

You really need to know your situation well and balance the two into your decision

 

[mikebal9]

The day I knocked on my MIL's door, she screamed with excitement before I could say anything. Marrying her daughter was the gift. I did bring the ring to show her.

 

[zgoru]

My father in law asked me if I knew what I was getting myself into and was I sure about it. LOL, Daddy's little girl,

 

[M1stman]

I didn't talk to my wife's parents about it before I proposed. I love my in-laws dearly -- they're wonderful people and I'm lucky to have them in my life -- but getting married is the decision of the future bride and groom, not their parents. Asking their permission, in my opinion, represents an archaic way of thinking in which women were not enabled by society to make their own decisions about their futures.

 

[sherrane]

Originally posted by rutcor:
Up to you. The old man likes scotch, I got him some, we enjoyed some right then and there. He still brings it up. Had flowers for the mom, too, but nothing crazy.

This is a good answer to your question.

 

[BeantownKnight]

Originally posted by M1stman:
I didn't talk to my wife's parents about it before I proposed. I love my in-laws dearly -- they're wonderful people and I'm lucky to have them in my life -- but getting married is the decision of the future bride and groom, not their parents. Asking their permission, in my opinion, represents an archaic way of thinking in which women were not enabled by society to make their own decisions about their futures.

I was the same way. My then-fiancee and I went on a trip to Aruba (where I would pop the question). She was so excited and wanted to call everyone from the hotel room but I told her that there would be time for that when we returned. So, instead, we just enjoyed the rest of our vacation and, after we returned, we each called our respective in-laws. It was pretty late in the evening, but I called her folks and they said, "Yeah .. ok. Congrats, I guess. Do you know how late it is?!"

But, later on, my now-Father in Law did tell me that it's not his business. It's his daughter's decision. Thus, I guess we went about it the right way.

 

[RBS05]

I didn't ask for permission, but did give the old man a heads up that I would be proposing. Thought of it as a courtesy, not a requirement. To me, to "ask for your daughter" seems too antiquated for me and just unnatural. He cried like a baby. We had a very good relationship beforehand and that still continues.

This post was edited on 3/4 1:43 PM by RBS05

 

[scarleteagle]

I had a good relationship with the inlaws beforehand. I asked just because its traditional and his response was pretty much "I figured". I did not bring anything, but I did have the ring to show them.

Long story short- if they are good people and you have a good relationship with them, not bringing gifts, or even not asking them, won't be a big deal. if recommend maybe something small (like above posters) especially if they are a more traditional family, can't hurt your case.

 

[RUJohnny99]

Bring your stash of pornos & give them to dad. Tell him "here. I don't need these any more. I have your daughter"
Posted from Rivals Mobile

 

[SkilletHead2]

Originally posted by newell138:
When we told my wifes parents, my mother in law took me up to her bedroom, lifted up the mattress and pulled out a couple of aluminum foil packets and handed them to me. It was cash. She said, thank god someone is marrying her.

Anybody else think this was going to be a really interesting story?

 

[derleider]

Originally posted by M1stman:
I didn't talk to my wife's parents about it before I proposed. I love my in-laws dearly -- they're wonderful people and I'm lucky to have them in my life -- but getting married is the decision of the future bride and groom, not their parents. Asking their permission, in my opinion, represents an archaic way of thinking in which women were not enabled by society to make their own decisions about their futures.

I didnt talk to mine either - but its because I didnt trust that they wouldnt give it away before I could ask myself.

 

[Piscataway]

I asked permission. she is his daughter. I expect the same respect from my future SOL's.

 

[CornerTavern]

ask permission first
Posted from Rivals Mobile

 

[rurichdog]

You need to determine your and her relationship with the parents. I didn't ask permission. Her father is a deadbeat and her mother can't keep a secret. My wife thanked me for not taking part in that ridiculous and awkward tradition.
Posted from Rivals Mobile

 

[Caliknight]

Originally posted by Neo-sinister:

So I'm getting ready to pop the question after long last. Yeah, I know... lame. Alas, not all of us can be Derek Jeter.

On a serious note, I setup a meeting with the father-in-law-to-be and I was wondering if you're suppose to get a gift or perhaps something for the mother-in-law so as not to show up empty handed?

I did it over dinner. Brought some vino over to the house and made some apps. I would do something like this, provided you like them. It is a big deal and you want to enjoy and remember it. There is no obligation to bring a gift.

 

[Howie'81]

Originally posted by Neo-sinister:

So I'm getting ready to pop the question after long last. Yeah, I know... lame. Alas, not all of us can be Derek Jeter.

On a serious note, I setup a meeting with the father-in-law-to-be and I was wondering if you're suppose to get a gift or perhaps something for the mother-in-law so as not to show up empty handed?

A gift would be a nice touch. Asking her father is very good. Not sure everyone does that. I did and remember it well. I said, "Mr. xxx, I wanted to ask you if you would be alright if I asked your daughter to marry me." He responded, "Yeah sure. Whatever you guys want to do." Then he was back to the Yankees game or something.

 

[NorthJersey]

Nice to keep with that tradition. I asked my MIL and FIL before I proposed. Love my FIL. My MIL is a JoeBot whacko. Won't miss her if the divorce happens. You don't need to bring gifts, IMO.
This post was edited on 3/4 3:54 PM by NorthJersey

 

[BellyFullOfWhiteDogCrap]

Is your future wife going to ask your parents for permission to marry you?

I didn't ask for permission out of respect for my future wife. My wife is not her parents property and she's not a burden to be rid of. She's a grown human being, capable of making decisions for herself. What if her parents said, "no"? Would we not marry? Of course not. So why ask?
So unless you plan on dressing her in a burqa and keeping her confined to your house, I would say it's a stone age nonsense that is disrespectful to women.

 

[LC-88]

Originally posted by NorthJersey:
Nice to keep with that tradition. I asked my MIL and FIL before I proposed. Love my FIL. My MIL is a JoeBot whacko. Won't miss her if the divorce happens. You don't need to bring gifts, IMO.
This post was edited on 3/4 3:54 PM by NorthJersey

Asking first is the gift.

 

[_dave_]

Originally posted by Neo-sinister:

So I'm getting ready to pop the question after long last. Yeah, I know... lame. Alas, not all of us can be Derek Jeter.

On a serious note, I setup a meeting with the father-in-law-to-be and I was wondering if you're suppose to get a gift or perhaps something for the mother-in-law so as not to show up empty handed?

Do you have a woman in mind or will this be a random person on the street? If you have been dating, congrats! If not, good luck!

 

[vm7118]

you don't ask for their "permission"... you ask for their blessing. if they don't give it, that's their own problem. but it's a courtesy.

 

[FELONIOUSMONK]

I remember like it was yesterday. 30 years ago. I got up to take a leak at 5 AM and when I got back in bed I asked my girlfriend if we should do the marriage thing. She said WTF why not? We went back to sleep and then shared a pork roll and egg sandwich to seal the deal.. . I never mentioned it to her dad. He had his own problems. Good luck..

 

[WhiteBus]

Asking the father is a sign of respect. Don't short change it but that should be enough. If you are close with him a night out and a few drinks should be plenty.

Gifts? If they respect you shouldn't have to bribe them for an okay. They will be thrilled that you care enough that you asked for permission.

 

[fatsam98]

I asked for the blessing off both her mom and dad at same time. Dont understand only including the dad... its 2015 not 1715. Also never heard of giving them a gift... seems strange. Isnt the fact you are marrying their daughter a "gift" in itself? Good luck

 

[BoroKnight]

Take a good stiff drink, get in bed, pull the covers over your head and stay there until the feeling passes.

:)

 

[RU848789]

Originally posted by M1stman:
I didn't talk to my wife's parents about it before I proposed. I love my in-laws dearly -- they're wonderful people and I'm lucky to have them in my life -- but getting married is the decision of the future bride and groom, not their parents. Asking their permission, in my opinion, represents an archaic way of thinking in which women were not enabled by society to make their own decisions about their futures.

Same here. Thought never even occurred to me, to be honest. We also paid for our own wedding, I didn't get my wife an engagement ring (she agreed she'd rather spend the money on the honeymoon) and she kept her last name. Broke all the rules, I guess. It's lasted 24 years so far, so I guess we're doing something right, lol...

 

[WhiteBus]

Originally posted by RU848789:

Originally posted by M1stman:
I didn't talk to my wife's parents about it before I proposed. I love my in-laws dearly -- they're wonderful people and I'm lucky to have them in my life -- but getting married is the decision of the future bride and groom, not their parents. Asking their permission, in my opinion, represents an archaic way of thinking in which women were not enabled by society to make their own decisions about their futures.

Same here. Thought never even occurred to me, to be honest. We also paid for our own wedding, I didn't get my wife an engagement ring (she agreed she'd rather spend the money on the honeymoon) and she kept her last name. Broke all the rules, I guess. It's lasted 24 years so far, so I guess we're doing something right, lol...

I don't blame her. Who wants 848789 as a last name??

 

[Knightmoves]

Originally posted by NorthJersey:
Nice to keep with that tradition. I asked my MIL and FIL before I proposed. Love my FIL. My MIL is a JoeBot whacko. Won't miss her if the divorce happens. You don't need to bring gifts, IMO.
This post was edited on 3/4 3:54 PM by NorthJersey

There's a good lesson in your post. Before marrying a chick always evaluate the mental stability of the future MIL. Many times that apple doesnt fall far from the tree.

absolutely love newell138's story. Just classic !

 

[Idubthee Knight]

You can never go wrong with buying a woman flowers. I don't think a gift is necessary but flowers will definitely be appreciated. I wasn't planning to ask my father in law's blessing but at the last minute I called him (they lived in Pittsburgh) and I was surprised at how much the gesture meant to him. It's sort of an archaic tradition but I still recommend doing it.

 

[hoquat63]

Didn't ask my fil - my wife told him I asked her. He was not happy.
My daughters second husband asked me (practiced in the car for an hour driving). I said sure, but thought it was silly and unnecessary. First husband had not asked - didn't even find out they actually got married til months after the fact.

 

[BeKnighted]

My wife and I made the decision to get married while my in-laws were in Europe, got the ring (believe me when I say that it would have been a bad, bad idea for me to buy one without her there), took them out to dinner at their favorite restaurant the day they came back and told them then. It wasn't a surprise in any meaningful way, but her father still looked sort of stunned, although maybe that was the jet lag. Anyway, it didn't really seem to bother him that I hadn't told him beforehand, let along asked him.

The best part about it was that the waiter (who always was very nice to my wife) was so excited about it that he brought out a piece of cake with a candle on it, like it was my wife's birthday or something. This was before we even ordered our appetizers.

 

[billhobo]

From "NYC Banker's Guide To Proposals"...

"Asking the parents' permission can be a delicate matter. The way you go about it depends on whether or not your girlfriend's mother is extremely hot, otherwise known as a "MILF."

You'll have to buy the book to read the rest.

 

[RUEngineer08]

I didnt ask my inlaws, didnt care what they thought. I believe asking permission is just an out dated tradition that stems from literally negotiating the terms of the dowry. As reflected in the other posts, you dont need permission as we are all free individuals.

But if they are old fashioned maybe you want to tell them first out of respect but I wouldnt ask. Tell them you are going to propose.

 

[Scarlet1984]

It seems to me that most people today just live together, but then have all this formal hokey bullshit that was applicable in a different time.

"Popping the question" is a stupid concept. Don't most couples talk about marriage for a while before they formalize it? (Call me unromantic but my "proposal" was basically saying "since we're planning on getting married, let's get officially engaged."

And asking permission is really stupid. If my boys ever get married should the girl come and ask for our permission?

This post was edited on 3/5 6:47 PM by Scarlet1984

This post was edited on 3/5 8:12 PM by Scarlet1984