OT: Meddling Millennial parents

[RU848789]

This is nothing new. There's a large contingent in this generation of parents devoted to ensuring that their kids never have to suffer loss or disappointment of any kind. And yes, it starts - or is most obviously manifested - in recreational sports. Many leagues no longer keep score. When I was coaching, years ago, the woman who was president of the local rec soccer league instituted "Silent Sunday" - parents in the stands were not allowed to cheer or clap and coaches on the sidelines were prohibited from issuing directions or instructions to their players on the field.

Most of us here understand that this is a bad trend. Life isn't about zero competition and not everyone in the adult world gets a trophy. Insulating your kids from occasionally harsh realities is to deny them the ability to develop necessary coping skills. These children of "helicopter parents" will ultimately be ill-equipped to deal with the things life hands them.

Good post. We probably coached around the same time - I coached rec soccer from about 2000-2008 (when my son was in the system - good player, but not quite good enough for travel soccer). Luckily we had no yenta rules like you guys did - no cheering is just freaking stupid, as is no coaching - they are there to get better, even in rec league.

I did use to have a meeting with all the parents before the season where I strongly advised them to just cheer and to not yell at their kids or others' kids (or the refs or the coaches, as we're all volunteers), as that can be pretty tough on a kid. I told them that if a kid screwed up, we'd talk to them about it as a teaching moment and if a kid was out of line, we'd mete out any discipline.

Since it was rec, though, it was pretty low key: we did keep score, but both teams would share in snacks/beverages after the game. My main role, during games, was to ensure that all the kids played relatively equal amounts of time and got to play a few positions - sure the kids wanted to win, but we wanted them to enjoy the games and try to get better.

 

[Scarlet1984]

The article isn't about Millenial's parenting skills. It's about how their parents brought them up and are still holding on.

Maybe he was waiting for his mother to read the article and summarize it for him

 

[RU205]

I think its the next division up. Combination of second and third graders bit not sure how they break it up. I don't like how my little league breaks kids up as my son's team consists of kids in K, 1st, 2nd, and some 3rd graders. The 3rd graders are supposed to be bad or first time players but I still think they are to big to be playing with K kids. We have a few K kids on our team who lose focus 3 minutes into the game. I can't see my kid being in this division past next season and if they force kids to play down, I fully understand why Lacrosse is kicking baseball's butt.

In baseball and softball it really should be 2 grade levels on the same field. A 3 rd grade and a K on the field together is pointless. Not just the size and strength but the attention span is completely different.

 

[RUsSKii]

I was born in 87 so I guess that makes me a millennial, but I hate my generation. Everyone my age gets offended by everything, still thinks people are entitled to certain pay or benefits for no economic reason, only an emotional plea, and the majority just crumble at the first sign of adversity. I never had any "feel good, everybody's a winner" events as a kid, and thank god I didn't. I could handle losing and just tried harder next time. I didn't believe it was a real thing when I heard about it. Then you have all these SJW who don't have a brain and start teaching kids about things like transgender when they shouldn't be concerned with that at such a young age, or protest because nobody wants to hire them with 0 job skills and a worthless degree.

When did such a disconnect from common sense occur?

I personally think the Millenial generation is the easiest generation to get ahead in. I think its that way due to two things: helicopter parents who completely retard their kids growth and development, and the brain washing those same Millenials endured in school; teaching them that they deserve everything and distorting the reality of the "real world". I've just kept my head down, worked on my career growth and been smart with my money. My peers were getting blasted every weekend, renting out shore houses in the summer and telling everyone how great their life is on facebook and instagram. I've started to look up recently and realize I've completely blown by 99% of the people my age...and I'm not an engineer, lawyer or someone born on 3rd base. Hard work makes getting ahead easier than ever in the "handout" generation.

I'll simply quote fellow millenials Rokodesh & ruskoolie, because there isn't much else to be said for my personal opinion on this subject. Nine out of ten or so closest friends whom I associate with share this attitude, and not by accident. I make it a point to work very hard to my own exacting standards, do not expect anything to be handed over as a freebie, and do not understand failure.

As to the article, I think the point that many people are making is that parents are meddling too much in their kids' lives even during late childhood & teenage years. The notion of interacting directly with their deans/faculty and potential employers during college years (and even senior year of high school) is laughably ridiculous to me.

 

[RU205]

Good post. We probably coached around the same time - I coached rec soccer from about 2000-2008 (when my son was in the system - good player, but not quite good enough for travel soccer). Luckily we had no yenta rules like you guys did - no cheering is just freaking stupid, as is no coaching - they are there to get better, even in rec league.

I did use to have a meeting with all the parents before the season where I strongly advised them to just cheer and to not yell at their kids or others' kids (or the refs or the coaches, as we're all volunteers), as that can be pretty tough on a kid. I told them that if a kid screwed up, we'd talk to them about it as a teaching moment and if a kid was out of line, we'd mete out any discipline.

Since it was rec, though, it was pretty low key: we did keep score, but both teams would share in snacks/beverages after the game. My main role, during games, was to ensure that all the kids played relatively equal amounts of time and got to play a few positions - sure the kids wanted to win, but we wanted them to enjoy the games and try to get better.

The purpose of a rec sport is for the kids to have fun, learn the game, get better as the season goes on and to make friends. Some parents go over the top yelling at officials and it makes no sense. Let the kids compete and cheer for your kid. i have had parents fighting in the stands of an 8 U rec softball game. I don't get it.

 

[Knightmoves]

the thrust of the article is that parents who raised these kids still can't let go even when they are out of college and into the job market.

I believe that there are two basic reasons for this type of parenting. These parents are trying to insure success for their adult children by getting directly involved in the hiring process, thinking that they can still make a difference by acting as a representative for their adult child by helping them get ahead.

The second reason is that don't think their kids are talented enough to compete in an open market system and are trying to bail them out of a situation where they are not good enough to succeed on their own. And they are afraid that their adult child cannot deal with failure.

 

[FanuSanu52]

I was an 80's kid.

There were no participation trophies (and no one wore helmet. We learned to measure risk). I was so sad when only the CHAMPION got a trophy. I never won a trophy, ONCE, as a kid. It taught me to work harder, stop blaming everyone else.

My Little League team was just ok year in and year out. My old man "wasn't part of the cool rich dad club." But my old man was the man though. The other dads used to stack one team every year. I saw that as a 7yr old. He taught me then, "Life is fight every day kid. Its more than just showing up and doing your job. You need to navigate many obstacles to survive (politics being one of them)." -Best lesson I could have painful learned back then.

My son is learning he's on his own. Mom and dad can't fight for him. He'll have to earn his own dollar at some point. So he'll start now and be better off than most of the hacks in this world.

The participation trophy argument is perhaps the most retarded one on this board. I grew up in the 80s, too. Got a trophy for baseball every, single year. Thing was, no one cared about the trophy unless it meant something. The game was won or lost on the field. Everyone on the team knew it. A cheap, meaningless trophy handed out months later really wasn't something to celebrate.

Maybe the problem is that the previous generations found it necessary to hand out trophies and trinkets at all. I'll take the memory of winning any day over cheap, tacky fake metal collecting dust on a shelf.

 

[RUsojo]

Nothing wrong with having a sense of entitlement. Everything wrong with having a false-sense of entitlement.

 

[RUJohnny99]

Each generation is formed by the actions of the previous generation. Why are the parents of millenials over involved? Because when those parents were kids they were latch key kids who had little supervision. Growing up they said they will never do that when they had kids so they swung the pendulum all the way to the other direction. The pendulum will swing back for the next generation.

Your timeline is way off. I was a latch key kid born right smack in the middle of GenX and I was 9 years old when the first millennials were born. My kids & their peers are part of the next generation & aren't bubble wrapped and protected from any challenge. My wife & I realize we survived without constant supervision & have passed that child rearing trait down.

Surprise surprise, but the last generation of brats, the baby boomers, are the ones responsible for these brats.

 

[JQRU91]

You never won a trophy? Really?

Sounds like good preparation for being a Rutgers fan. [roll]

 

[Scarlet_Scourge]

I shutter to think what would happen if any kids today had our childhoods. Surely, they would have died at least 1,000 by now... I mean Action Park alone...

 

[RU205]

Your timeline is way off. I was a latch key kid born right smack in the middle of GenX and I was 9 years old when the first millennials were born. My kids & their peers are part of the next generation & aren't bubble wrapped and protected from any challenge. My wife & I realize we survived without constant supervision & have passed that child rearing trait down.

Surprise surprise, but the last generation of brats, the baby boomers, are the ones responsible for these brats.

Way off? gen x started in early 60 s. They started having kids in mid 80s and 90s. Those are the kids we are talking about.

 

[RUskoolie]

I'll simply quote fellow millenials Rokodesh & ruskoolie, because there isn't much else to be said for my personal opinion on this subject. Nine out of ten or so closest friends whom I associate with share this attitude, and not by accident.

This is something I started doing a few years ago with my inner circle. You are who your friends are.
We can toast to that in a few weeks. [cheers]

 

[RUsSKii]

This is something I started doing a few years ago with my inner circle. You are who your friends are.
We can toast to that in a few weeks. [cheers]

And you are how you responded to adversity at your alma mater. Cheers [cheers]

 

[RUaMoose]

I had a rule about trophies: Unless they're 1st place, throw them out. Unfortunately the other half doesn't share my philosophy so there they are collecting dust.

 

[BigLou]

You never won a trophy? Really?

Just saw a Denis Leary comedy special where he talked about the "everybody gets a trophy" generation. He said when he grew up there were 2 ways to get a trophy. The first was to win the championship. The second was to beat up a kid who won the championship and take his trophy.

 

[PhDKnight]

Because for the most part they are hyper offended do-gooders with socialist world views

That could also be used to describe baby boomers by their parents ..... that is before the boomers went ape shit crazy and created the world of the last 25 years or so

 

[JPhoboken]

I went with my kids to a school carnival a couple weeks ago. My daughter, 7, is very good at hula-hooping( she practices,)and entered the hula hoop contest. Last year, she won, and got a nice medal, which she framed and she is very proud of. She was relishing the opportunity to do it again. Some of her friends were practicing more and she was looking forward to the competition to see if she could win again.

Personally, I was almost hoping she would lose so she could learn how to deal with defeat. She had won previously, and that taught her something, losing teaches you a lot as well.

She happened to win again, and when the contest was over, they didn't acknowledge her win in any way. The woman in charge said thank you for participating, and now everyone come up and get their participation prize. (ridiculous 10 cent plastic garbage toys nobody needs or wants)

My daughter asked me why nobody cares about how hard she practiced and why she wasn't acknowledged for winning. I had no answer.

THis is a global competive world in every way imaginable. Business and Education top the list. I am not saying we should have ways to help kids cope with pressure and feel good about themselves. But we also need to teach our kids their are winners and losers in life, and you need to try as hard as you can to win.

The "we need to make our kids feel good at all cost" parents, teachers, and administrators are not helping the kids learn some valuable life lessons and some of these kids are in for a rude awakening in the not to distant future.

 

[FanuSanu52]

My daughter asked me why nobody cares about how hard she practiced and why she wasn't acknowledged for winning. I had no answer.

THis is a global competive world in every way imaginable. Business and Education top the list. I am not saying we should have ways to help kids cope with pressure and feel good about themselves. But we also need to teach our kids their are winners and losers in life, and you need to try as hard as you can to win.

The "we need to make our kids feel good at all cost" parents, teachers, and administrators are not helping the kids learn some valuable life lessons and some of these kids are in for a rude awakening in the not to distant future.

Please remember the anecdote you're using as a basis of this rant is about hula hooping. Isn't rewarding kids for something like that as much a part of the "making kids feel good at all costs" problem as handing out prizes to everyone? There's the missing answer for your daughter, a pretty good lesson in itself.

 

[JQRU91]

All this talk about participation trophies just reminds me of Knight Shift's "I got a trophy" thread. :D

 

[JPhoboken]

Please remember the anecdote you're using as a basis of this rant is about hula hooping. Isn't rewarding kids for something like that as much a part of the "making kids feel good at all costs" problem as handing out prizes to everyone? There's the missing answer for your daughter, a pretty good lesson in itself.

Can you explain what you are trying to say, I am not following you.

 

[RaySt]

I see the "everybody gets a trophy" theme with my 7 and 8 year olds and wonder what will be the impact as they grow up, but I don't worry so much. The reason is I already see balancing events like: who sold the most girl scout cookies, who had the fastest pinewood derby car, who made the travel team, who is on the gymnastic competitive team, who won, who lost and who didnt' make the squad.... There is so much competition with kids and at a very young age. These kids are trying out for soccer teams and baseball travel teams in 2nd and 3rd grade! And playing and practicing a lot! When I was that age, we didnt' get trophies because we weren't playing anything organized yet and when we did it was one or two sports a year. These kids are playing 2+ sports a weekend sometimes.

So while at some events everyone gets a trophie at others I see many of the kids walk away feeling like losers. And with the amount of pressure put on them from the time they can catch a ball, I think this generation has a lot of challenges. In the end I hope it all balances out and they learn a lot about how to compete and be a good sport. Different than the way we grew up for sure, but I am hoping they can manage it.

 

[FanuSanu52]

Basi

Can you explain what you are trying to say, I am not following you.

I'm saying maybe the problem is that they gave out a hula-hooping award at all, not that they changed it to "everybody gets a prize." It's hula-hooping. The same line of thinking that dictates "only winners get trophies" leads one to "not every fun childhood activity should be rewarded with a ribbon or trophy."

And that's what you can tell your daughter, while giving her the life lesson you wanted: Not every skill is marketable.

 

[RUsSKii]

Please remember the anecdote you're using as a basis of this rant is about hula hooping. Isn't rewarding kids for something like that as much a part of the "making kids feel good at all costs" problem as handing out prizes to everyone? There's the missing answer for your daughter, a pretty good lesson in itself.

Your point isn't valid for several reasons. First of all, Jphoboken's kid participated in a competiton where every participant was rewarded, rather than only the winners/runners-up (which is part of the problem). Also, in the context of him and his daughter, hula hooping could be just as important, athletic, and practice- demanding as most of us on this site consider football to be. Why suddenly discriminate as to which sports, skils, and/or talents are deserving of reward?

 

[FanuSanu52]

Your point isn't valid for several reasons. First of all, Jphoboken's kid participated in a competiton where every participant was rewarded, rather than only the winners/runners-up (which is part of the problem). Also, in the context of him and his daughter, hula hooping could be just as important, athletic, and practice- demanding as most of us on this site consider football to be. Why suddenly discriminate as to which sports, skils, and/or talents are deserving of reward?

Read my explanation right above. Then think about how ridiculous it is to complain about too many trophies within the context of your child not getting a hula-hooping trophy. If you happen to take hula-hooping very seriously, substitute in some other childhood past time to get the idea. "World Skip-It Champion," "World Record for Fastest Transformation of a Decepticon," or "Water Gun Warrior Congressional Medal of Honor" can get you started.

 

[RU205]

Participation trophies for 5, 6, 7 and 8 year olds isn't a bad thing. They wil become more competitive and learn how to win and lose as they get older. If they are still getting these trophies at 10, 11 or 12 that becomes a problem.

A 6 year old doesn't need to learn a life lesson that he will learn in a few years anyway.

 

[RaySt]

Totally with you RU205

 

[Caliknight]

The article isn't about Millenial's parenting skills. It's about how their parents brought them up and are still holding on.

Exhibit A on millenials. They don't even need to read they article, they know so much. All you have to do is ask them.

 

[Pritz9]

Not surprised. After all, Colleges are instituting "Trigger Alerts" where the class syllabus must warn you when the are words, ideas, books, concepts, etc that may make you uncomfortable so you can skip the class. (Or nab them altogether)

So, when you get into the real world...your parents can be everywhere to keep you comfortable.

MAkes sense to me!

 

[RU205]

I shutter to think what would happen if any kids today had our childhoods. Surely, they would have died at least 1,000 by now... I mean Action Park alone...

My father would have said the same thing about Gen X trying to get through the Great Depression.

 

[jtung230]

A more disturbing trend than everyone gets a trophy is the Miami Heat factor. Parents want their kid to win so they stack the team to make sure they win.

 

[NotInRHouse]

I'm a millenial, and wow what a shocker..

Mooby's facts are unaddressed.

Boomers and Xers share anecdotes about trophies.

The usual for a certain crowd on this board.

PS Millenials do have more degrees so they have more education in some areas and by the way, if you know more feel free not to ask us to help you figure out technological problems.

And no one in our generation cares about trophies, I've never heard anyone in my generation mention a non pro/college sports trophy ever....

 

[Trekology]

Just read the article, are there really grown adults bringing their parents to job interviews, and having parents write letters to their managers?

While I was still in college (about 10 years ago...), I worked at a supermarket and I would fill in for the hiring manager to do interviews and related stuff when she was on vacation (and was sent to other stores on occasion to do the same). Considering that a lot of the applicants were 16-17 year old high school kids, it wasn't uncommon that parents would accompany them but most of the time, they'd just do their shopping.

A couple of times, the parent waited in the break room but there were two occasions where the parent tagged along for the interview and was answering the questions. While I didn't ask them to leave, I did very strongly insist that the actual applicant answer and not them. In both cases, the parent persisted in answering, either directly or telling their kid what to say. Both cases also got the "we don't have a position for you at this time" letter.

 

[Knight Shift]

All this talk about participation trophies just reminds me of Knight Shift's "I got a trophy" thread. :D

I got a 100 likes too. I fell validated, especially in view of your 27 likes. [banana]:cool2::clap::joy:[cheers]

 

[Upstream]

As mentioned in the OP article, there are some parents who get involved in the job searches of their young adult children. While I haven't encountered any parents attending a job interview (though I doubt security would let them in the front door), I have received phone calls from parents advocating on behalf of their kids. It is an immediate disqualifier.

I also have a friend who told me she went with her mid-20's daughter on a job interview. She didn't go into the interview, but waited in the lobby "for moral support". I told her that she probably cost her daughter the job.

When you hire someone fresh out of college, you want a person who can think for themself and learn and grow. Bringing mommy to the job interview pretty much says you're not that person.

Of course, it is the rare exception when parents get involved in the hiring process. But it is amazing that it happens at all.

(And to be fair, most of the millennials that I've hired are smart, hardworking, and ultimately successful.)

 

[Knight Shift]

As mentioned in the OP article, there are some parents who get involved in the job searches of their young adult children. While I haven't encountered any parents attending a job interview (though I doubt security would let them in the front door), I have received phone calls from parents advocating on behalf of their kids. It is an immediate disqualifier.

I also have a friend who told me she went with her mid-20's daughter on a job interview. She didn't go into the interview, but waited in the lobby "for moral support". I told her that she probably cost her daughter the job.

When you hire someone fresh out of college, you want a person who can think for themself and learn and grow. Bringing mommy to the job interview pretty much says you're not that person.

Of course, it is the rare exception when parents get involved in the hiring process. But it is amazing that it happens at all.

(And to be fair, most of the millennials that I've hired are smart, hardworking, and ultimately successful.)

Are you serious?

 

[JPhoboken]

Your point isn't valid for several reasons. First of all, Jphoboken's kid participated in a competiton where every participant was rewarded, rather than only the winners/runners-up (which is part of the problem). Also, in the context of him and his daughter, hula hooping could be just as important, athletic, and practice- demanding as most of us on this site consider football to be. Why suddenly discriminate as to which sports, skils, and/or talents are deserving of reward?

Exactly, winning a Hula Hoop contest is not the same as getting into a good school or winning an olympic medal, but it was the carnival organizers idea to have a hula hoop contest, so why not award something to the winners? She practiced, it was important to her, and she wanted to win. Giving her nothing for winning sends a terrible message. She is well aware that she is not going to get a Hula hoop scholarship or become a Hula hoop professional, thats not the point.

If you are going to call something a contest, game, match, etc., then award prizes to the winners. You want to give the rest of the kids a participation plastic toy, fine, but reward the winners too.

 

[JPhoboken]

Participation trophies for 5, 6, 7 and 8 year olds isn't a bad thing. They wil become more competitive and learn how to win and lose as they get older. If they are still getting these trophies at 10, 11 or 12 that becomes a problem.

A 6 year old doesn't need to learn a life lesson that he will learn in a few years anyway.

While I agree that participation trophies may not turn kids into wussies, its not helping them learn early lessons about winning in this extremely competitive world. Nothing wrong with rewarding winners and acknowledging the participants.

In Jersey City, we see it extremely clearly and I am sure others see it in other towns all over NJ. In many cultures, parents are training their kids to be students. They do little extracurricular activities, they go to school, study, and go to after schools programs like Kumon where its packed every night.

These are the kids our kids are going to have to compete against for schools and jobs, not even factoring in global competition yet.

It is never too young to start talking to kids and them learning about how to compete. Their future depends on it. Maybe I take this a little too seriously, I get kids have to be kids, but I have nephews, nieces, and kids of friends that didn't learn to value competition and treating school like a competition, and have limited potential now in their late twenties because of it.

 

[Upstream]

Are you serious?

Amazingly, yes.

 

[Knight Shift]

Amazingly, yes.

Your post reminded me of the scene in Step Brothers: