A higgs boson walks into a church in the middle of a service to the surprise of the priest who asks "what are you doing here so late?" to which the particle replies "Hey, you can't have mass without me!"
Mickey Mouse walks into a divorce lawyers office for his first meeting, lawyer says, "I'm sorry, but my assistant is terrible at taking notes. You're divorcing Minnie because she's extremely silly?"
The other night my wife woke me up in the middle of the night saying she heard a burglar downstairs, so I went down to take a look, only to realize I don't have a wife, then I went back upstairs and my bed and TV were gone.