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OT: One Line Jokes

Da Zapmaster is IN DA HOUSE!

But seriously...

Liked your response: made me laugh out loud.

How's it going with the sinuses? Pretty much over it now...

Hope you're doing well.

MO
 
Heisenberg and Schrödinger get pulled over for speeding.
The cop asks Heisenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies, "No, but we know exactly where we are!"
The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 108 miles per hour!"
Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, "Great! Now we're lost!"
The officer walks back to the rear of the car and lifts the trunk.
"Hey" says the cop. "Do you know you have a dead cat in here"
A angry Schrödinger replies "Well we do now."
 
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There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I bet you $4,567.89 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Dear couples who fight in public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
 
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
 
My less than handsome friend said the first time he had sex, he cried. I asked him it was the result of the pepper spray?
 
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
 
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
 
Two friends are sitting on a bridge a foot and a half over a river. One, trying to impress the other with the length his penis, unzips his pants and let's it dip into the water. Turning to his friend he remarks "wow this water sure is cold". The other does the same and then replies, "I don't about cold but it sure is deep".
 
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
 
An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true.
 
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I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.
 
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!
 
The best things in the world are free - and worth every penny of it.
 
We all sprang from apes, but you didn't spring far enough.
 
It takes patience to listen: it takes skill to pretend you're listening.
 
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers? One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.
 
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
 
What did the WWII American prisoners dislike the most being in a German POW camp?

Putting up with sourkrauts
 
You are living proof that manure can sprout legs and walk.
 
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
 
I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night.
 
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